As we began the lesson, I was talking with my friend and Feldenkrais instructor about how I was feeling. No one else showed up for the class so I was blessed to have personal attention. There are new things happening in my life. I'm finding they are so new that I often don't have reference points from past experiences to help me understand what is happening and how I feel.
I do know that my ability to perceive and feel things around me is growing. My understanding is that these things have been there all along, and with my new sensitivity, I am becoming aware of them. In recent days I have noticed I am saying to myself, it's safe. It's okay. I am safe. This makes me realize some part of me is NOT feeling safe with these changes and my growing awareness of different energy frequencies. At times I feel like crying, but I can't put my finger on anything in particular as to why.
My friend said None of us really know what it is like to feel safe. When I thought about this, it made sense. We get used to things in our lives; we get comfortable with certain energy frequencies because we are around them and they are familiar, but that doesn't mean we feel safe in them.
Many of the Feldenkrais lessons are done lying on the floor. By taking our bodies out of our usual perception of gravity, we are able to explore which muscles are being used for specific movements in a way that's not possible when we are upright. Lying on the floor feels safe to me. It feels safe, familiar and comfortable now, in a way that it didn't used to feel. In the 3&1/2 years I've been doing weekly Feldenkrais lessons, I've relearned how to relax into the floor and let it hold me. During the lesson my energy shifted and I felt present in my body, and safe. This was a nice break from what I had been feeling.
Soon after the lesson was over and I got up, I felt unsafe again. It seemed like I felt safe as long as I stayed aware of my body and in my feelings, but as soon as I began thinking again, I went to thoughts of how it shouldn't feel the way it does, and then I felt unsafe. My friend and I talked about what it means to be able to move into new experiences without holding expectation or preconceived ideas about what it will look and feel like.
As we grow up, much of our education is centered on judging, labeling, and categorizing everything around us. This facilitates us losing touch with the openness and ability to adjust to and integrate endless new things that we have as babies and children. It means we have been trained to walk into all experiences with preconceived ideas about how it should feel and look. We measure everything against these ideas we carry with us. Because we are measuring against past experiences, we often need to shift what we find slightly so it will fit into one of our categories. We learn to do this so automatically that we don’t even realize we are doing it.
This brings me to question, how can I take myself out of my usual interaction (like physically lying down to shift my perception of gravity on my body) so I can feel and sense new experiences in a different way and not simply give them already established labels? This is a question I continue to hold, and will share more with you in the days to come as I understand more.
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